hideyourself | futurology inbox.

[So. Guess who just saw this.]

Hide.
I'm not sure if it's the best idea to - speak so openly about ghouls.

[It's hell on his paranoia, even if it was somewhat unwarranted here.]

Kaneki! :)

[the first and only response for a solid handful of seconds. call it reflexive. what follows appears after a period of deliberation, Hide still and silent as he turned over the dozen possible replies.]

[at last - well, he wasn't entirely surprised to receive this text - he decided.]

you want to bury their existence?

guess it wouldn't be hard to pass off as magic, [everybody else was doing it, though Hide couldn't say anything positive about it,] if you wanted...

[Why do you gotta make him feel bad with that smiley, Hide. ):

Well, that's a loaded question. There is no response for a long moment as Kaneki sifts through how he could reply; he had often needed time to compose such things.

And now that the initial alarm is dwindling, he's beginning to acknowledge maybe he was a little too reactionary. No one around here would know anything about ghouls but what they told him; it was just that Hide's description of ghoul abilities would already say what he was to those who had seen him during the jailbreak. He had tried to be as sparing as possible, but it hadn't been absolute.]

No... not necessarily... And yes, it's true that no one besides us seems to know anything about ghouls, but...
Regardless of whether or not it's seen as magic, people will ask questions.
And I - want to make sure certain information about ghouls doesn't get out.

[Pause.]

I don't want to... alarm anyone.

[immediately,] like what?

[oh, he knew what (the biggest part of the 'what,' maybe). but he'd have Kaneki say it, the blond's thoughts otherwise running into a wall of white noise, balancing on an unseen threshold before the answer came through. the thought occurred on whether or not Kaneki would call him on it - they had changed, Kaneki had changed, and he needed to know where their edges met.]

[he needed to-- not force them into place. nothing good ever came from hasty planning.]

[the difference between action and thought... he tried to account for what was out of his control.]

[With any other person, he would've grown irritated at having to say it point blank.

But this is Hide. It's difficult for him to grow truly angry at his best friend, even if he hadn't been plucked from what Kaneki had to assume was the grave to be with him in this alternate world. He takes a moment to rub his face with the heel of one hand before trying to think up a half-decent response.

In the end, he doesn't answer outright, instead cutting to the chase, knowing full well that Hide knew what he was talking about:]

If the truth of ghouls was widely known, it'd give other recruits reason to be wary and mistrustful of me.
It - shouldn't be a problem, but...
Since we all have to work together, I think it's easiest just not to address it.

[...]

[it answered enough, really. and in that same reasonable, borderline passive tone Kaneki had taken to using with him - it made the rasher, uncontrolled part of him want to push harder and dig deeper faster, ever faster. the controlled side of him - the side he listened to - took that impulse and shaped the next steps around it, as carefully as possible.]

wasn't planning on anything that might make them feel too threatened. sorry for freaking you out, man.

but the existence - i'm not really comfortable covering that up. or the divide, even if we don't go into details - strength alone speaks a lot. [a pause; a breath.] seems like a number of people here could sympathize. h. wells does.

[but don't you understand what ghouls do to humans, Hide?]

[yeah, he did. and he knew it didn't apply when it came to Kaneki.]

[text gleaming, he waited.]

[It was easier to speak of when he spoke about it clinically. He almost tried to imagine he was discussing this with someone else—the fact that they were so casually discussing his departure from humanity would be stranger than him doing so with a stranger.

It was difficult enough to parse answers for broader questions. He's starting to wonder how he's going to react when Hide starts to needle for more sensitive information (because he will, he knows him, so he knows he will).]

No... it's okay.
Admittedly I reacted sharply... You only said as much as they will probably see, if we have to do much more fighting...

[Even that was uncomfortable to mention. He doesn't like to think that Hide will one day see him, kagune drawn, one of his eyes blackened with the pupil burning hot as a live coal. Half-ghoul.

He knows what Hide is saying. In many ways, he agrees, or close enough that there's no point in arguing. But still.]

There are similarities in other worlds, you're right. Wells' included.
That's not what worries me. It's the differences that do that.

[In other worlds, the power differential was enough to cause friction, but in those worlds they at least stood on the same plane despite that. They weren't dealing with natural predators, an inflexibility of that hierarchy that allowed nothing else.

It applied. It would always apply. He wasn't sure how far he'd have to go before he made Hide understand that.]

[mankind's natural predator -- a highly restricted diet, he'd told another; hadn't even thought that the man wouldn't pick up what foodstuff that pushed the ghouls toward. but Lancer hadn't asked, and Hide hadn't told, and now it was a truth hidden.]

[it made sense.]

[more importantly, it got Kaneki talking about it. over text, which wasn't ideal, but a start was a start, and Hideyoshi would take it.]

haven't seen a similarity there yet, to be sure.

[which... was surprising, honestly. ghouls weren't a perpetual fear for most citizens; nonetheless, it was like imagining the ocean without sharks. only worse, what with ghouls being a sentient group of their own - and the center of both of their lives for the past, what, year? a little less? close enough.]

hey--

[a catch in thought, his mind running itself into a wall to force a stop. it last for a sharp four seconds (on his end, anyway) before he realized what toned it needed to be in, and then it wasn't so bad that they were text-based.]

[this sort of concern used to be fly-away. a comment that diverged into teasing the moment a decision was made clear. no matter his tone, even Hide couldn't avoid acknowledging the tension he was practically asking for.]

are you eating alright?

[In a way, Kaneki knows that it's a truth that can't be dodged forever. He's not as good of a liar as he thinks he is, especially when approached point-blank, and if one looked carefully enough, all of the clues are there. He only hopes that everyone else would be too absorbed in their own lives to care too much about his own. Especially if ALISTAIR remained good on their promise to keep him properly supplied with food, it would never become an issue.

He doesn't reply. It's not as though Kaneki would ever tell anyone else suffering from strife in their own world based on what they were that theirs was not as dire of a situation as his own simply because those particular differences. It made the issue that much more strenuous for his own world, but it wouldn't devalue the struggles of anyone else. Thus, he had largely kept out of the conversation, unwilling to speak too much and too openly about ghouls and how they functioned in society.

But—

The attention-grabbing statement, floating in digital subspace for several long seconds, makes him feel anxious. That anxiousness is actualized when the question is finally posed.

Kaneki does not reply.]

[For a while, anyway.

Definitely not as long as an hour, but he attempts to distract himself (in vain, mostly), hoping the answer would puzzle itself out in the back of his mind as he did. It's not as easy as that. He knows Hide (or at least, he thinks he does) better than anyone else, and he knows that, even if the guy let this slip for now, he would ask again later. He was, in a single word, tenacious.

It feels wrong. It feels just as wrong as when he had stirred from the floor of the cavernous tunnel, head full of haze but body whole, the taste of human blood in his mouth—a knot in his stomach. He wishes Hide would just leave this to him, to trust him with it, but.

Eventually:]

If ALISTAIR continues to supply me as they already have, I will be fine.

[It's about as much of an answer as he can expect out of him for now.]

[I've been keeping an eye out for a coffee shop, was the natural path Hideyoshi wanted to take. too bad the climate's not right. and, the sun leaving can't have helped. with, though it makes me wonder how they've got any food growing at all!]

[nothing close to an hour before the reply, but the radio silence speaks as loudly as any give me a moment might have. as it doesn't pass an hour, Hideyoshi doesn't send a consolation or never mind, it's fine-- Kaneki would read through that before the blond could blink. it would've only made matters worse. but when worse was based in silence and a willfully turned blind eye, was it worth bringing up?]

[he couldn't even pretend to ponder that question. the decision he'd made had its roots in resolve and determination; yes, yes, the changes were fully worth prying into. off-hand hints, gentle steering and keeping casual had gotten them into this mess in the first place.]

[(not 'this mess' as in Kaneki's change of taste toward humans - rather, 'this mess' as in the silences, the fears, the hesitations.)]

[he trusted Kaneki to do what he thought was necessary.]

[he didn't trust what Kaneki thought was necessary for a second.]

[eventually an answer did come, and - the blond smiled, mild triumph rushing through him, tempered immediately with the follow-up curiousity of what Kaneki thought was fine (full was asking too much; but not all ghouls had the sunken look Kaneki's face did) - it didn't involve directly telling Hideyoshi to buzz off, so he'd take that as a good sign. less good: formality at full blast, words stilted and closed, the overall emotional impression that of a prickly, antsy creature driven into a corner. which -- the corner part, anyway - wasn't entirely incorrect from Hideyoshi's intentions.]

[it was for their own good. Kaneki had to trust him. all of him. his motivation, his loyalty, his tenacity as a friend and as a human.]

[for now ... the discussion on what to discuss about ghouls seemed too tentative to be resolved, but he wasn't sure how much farther either of them could go this close to the beginning.]

that's good to hear. [genuine, whether or not Kaneki believed him. twenty seconds (counted by the tap of his foot) after, borderline nonchalant,] i have to wonder how many units like ours are in their employment. who do they work for? it's hap-hazard enough to be bureaucratic, but maybe that's a line of thinking too limited to earth's experience.

[He knew it was Hide's natural instinct when things got tough. Once upon a time, it had helped—it had worked wonders, enough to provide Kaneki some semblance of normalcy to cling to when everything else seemed so difficult. When he was quiet and forlorn over some difficulty at home, the recent (at the time) passing of his mother or the increasing neglect of his aunt, Hide would pick up on it, pry what information he needed, and then veer directly into subterfuge: carefully-wrought distraction, enough to monopolize Kaneki's thoughts so that everything else faded in all the hours he got away.

It had worked. It had worked well enough, at least, making the hours he could get at school, after school, out at town all seem like they were islands of refuge, lifelines thrown when he felt like he was drifting away. He remembers. He still appreciates it, still thinking that he owes Hide so much—too much—for what he still believes to be saving his life all those years ago.

But it didn't seem to work here. Not when the separation had been something of his own design, his own decision, something he genuinely thought would be for the best. He knew it would've been at odds with Hide, so he hadn't said anything before disappearing. For the best, for the best. It was a mantra to keep the guilt (and the feeling oddly akin to homesickness, one he couldn't define) from biting at him too hard. It only half-helped.

The reason it doesn't feel right is that the level of normalcy and casualness that Hide aims for now is something that no longer feels right to Kaneki. The thought of life as it was, his apartment, going to university, chatting in coffee shops with Hide—it all seemed so far-away, like the memories of another person or perhaps in a different life. That he had showed up, clad in CCG gear, trying to appeal to those age-old memories... it had been too much then, still too much now.

He tries. That he sent a (truthful) reply at all was evidence enough of that. But it still felt odd, wrong, that Hide be so acutely aware of the truth of what he was and be so perfectly fine with it. It wasn't something that normal people were just fine with. The number of tips sent into the CCG daily was evidence enough of that.

They were friends, and they had been friends for so long, but he thinks that only goes to a point. It should, shouldn't it? Would he feel the same if he knew how close he had come to devouring him after defeating Nishiki? Would he feel the same if he knew what Kaneki had done, in the tunnel under the city—

He shoves the memory away just as readily as bile rises in his throat.

He is grateful for the change in subject.]

We've seen so little of them, we can't know for sure.
I feel as though there was something in the way that it was handled that seemed practiced, though. I definitely think there are other groups like ours... I'm just not sure how they are handled or managed—if they are at all.
They are certainly using a hands-off approach for us.

[almost was not had done; humans and ghouls were both flawed creatures; Kaneki almost became the monster they feared, but he had not and would not, and it was unlikely knowledge of any future event would shake Hideyoshi's conviction. so he believed - but then, he hadn't heard the other's recounting of the moments in his world before his arrival.]

[there was... something. he'd thought the undercurrent of distress had been related to the other's ghoul persuasion was now open knowledge between them, but as time went on, he had to wonder if there wasn't more. that they could come from different points in time was a possibility, but not one he paid much attention to. Kaneki should have been grievously injured when they first met; yet, it made no sense for their employers to send them to the field with injuries.]

[so there had to be something else. no, no, he was over-analyzing (he always over-analyzed), it could be-- an extension of-- the worries related to a friendship between human and ghoul--?]

[...]

[at this point, it had to be something else.]

no kidding! [badmouthing ALASTAIR wasn't new even by this early point. regardless, Kaneki was someone he could be fully blunt with - though ALASTAIR undoubtedly had access to all text messages, he couldn't imagine why they'd care. (a full change in subject. the half-ghoul could breath easier now).] talk about disorganized! do they want us to make all our own calls? do they think this motley crew has any sense of justice beyond "i'll do this because i can?"

it's stupid, and absolutely absurd.

Text | un: dearkafka

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(1/2)

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text; idk i'll figure out a date later

bolin should've kept playing hard to get

this isn't the yaoi you're looking for

this is the pathetic gay you're looking for

1/2 what a nerd

2/2

oh my god no why is he so cute I feel so bad

how is he cute??

seduced by food

hideyoshi moves too fast

bolin was the one who called.............

he just wanted to check in!!